Baba, mi officer jhalo! (Dear Father, I have finally become an officer!)

Happy Fathers day Baba! I know its bit late, and you have every reason to be angry with me. I just did not know where to start, how do I express or gather courage to just tell you how much I love you! I am writing this blog probably because this is the only way I could pen down my emotions for you effectively.
During 30 years of my existence, I do not remember a day when I was able to tell you boldly how much you mean to me. Yet, there wasn't a day when you would not ask aai about me, how I was and what I was doing.

Beneath that hard persona u built up over the years, I knew you always carried that softer side, a side which you would not allow us to see but quietly you would nurture yourself keeping us in your thoughts always. If only I had a time machine, I would gladly go back to the time when you used to take me to Juhu beach on weekends, make the little me happily sit in front of you on bike while I would act as if I'm the one controlling the bike. Those ice creams which you would give without even me asking for it or those horse rides on the beach as you watched me smile sitting quietly in distance.
You worked three different jobs to make ends meet, yet you never made me feel as if we don't have enough. I remember the thing you always used to say 'cut down on useless expenses, but never compromise on food'. And so even after working tirelessly throughout the day to earn a few rupees, you did not hesitate to spend on those delicious tandoori chickens that I used to love as a child.

You did not compromise even with the education I had and always allowed me to pursue my dreams. Be it good school, college or even my dream to become an officer. I still remember everytime I see a school bus how tightly you hugged me one day outside the school with joy of finding me after dada forgot to pick me up from school bus at usual time. That day I felt like you are there to always protect me, felt like you would never let anything happen to me. Yet by the time I went to college, distance grew between us. Somehow, the occasional beatings you used to give me and your anger became heavier than love you showed that I drowned myself into the abyss where all I cared for later was me.

I was blinded by youth, flying with my new wings of freedom, trying to soar into the unknown without thinking of how you felt or what you wanted. Yet you never stopped me. Be it when I foolishly grew my hair long like Dhoni in college or when I wanted to go abroad to Ireland to pursue post graduation. You did not even once talk with me over phone call when I was abroad for 4 years yet aai would be the only solace for you to know that I am doing well. I know you did not want to show me your emotional side and I was too engulfed in my own pride to see clearly through the walls we built between us. I blamed you for us living in a chawl yet you would quietly send money into my account every month while I was away. I lived away from home for 10 long years, yet you would always be there like a shadow protecting me.

Even when I wanted to be come an officer and stepped into the unknown where thousands perish each year, you and aai never stopped believing in me. I remember first time when I reached interview stage, how happy you were, and even during short period I was at home, you used to get up early and make breakfast and tea for me so that I could study comfortably. Yet, everytime all efforts were in vain when I could not clear the final hurdle. Still, you kept your belief in me, provided me with everything when I should be the one to look after you in your retirement life. I was fool not to tell you how much I love you.

But I hate you, I hate you for leaving me in this journey all alone. How dare you snatch away from me that smile which I wanted to see so dearly on your face once I become an officer. I had always imagined that one day when I become an officer, I would hug you tightly and finally break the invisible wall built over years. I imagined one day you holding your grandchild happily playing with her. But all I came back to was an empty house without you, and everytime I see the empty bed in the corner I remember our final meet, when I held your hand close to me and cried wishing for you to stay alive, to stay alive atleast till I fulfil your dream of becoming an officer. I am sorry Baba, I took this long. But when results came out and I saw my name in final list, my first call was to you, my tears of happiness calling out to you, ' Baba, mi officer jhalo baba!'

Why do I feel you traded your life with God to fulfil my wish of success? Yet I know you are not gone, you are always there looking over me and smiling from heavens. Otherwise, you wouldn't come to my dreams every now and then finally smiling, smile of fulfilment and happiness. I am today what I am because of you and there is not even a single day that I don't miss you. I blamed you for us living in chawl, yet now I would trade all riches and comfort to see you again. I grew angry everytime you raised your hand on me, yet now I so badly want to hold that hand one more time close to me. Baba if you think this is the end and you seen what you wanted, I guess you are wrong.
Don't you dare leave yet wherever you are, this journey of happiness has just started. I promise the man that you made me would make a mark with my work making you more proud. Also, one of my dreams is still left-you with your granddaughter!Baba, I love you!